Last Updated on October 21, 2021 @ 2:03 pm
You and your wife have just gone through the argument that was “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” She says she is leaving and taking the kids with her. Can she legally do this? How can you stop her? What can you legally do? What should you do if she does leave and takes the kids without your permission?
First, legally, (in most states), she cannot simply leave with the kids for an extended period of time without a court order or unless there is some allegations of domestic abuse. Even though this has seemingly happened for years, the mother has no more right to the children than the father, especially if there is no divorce or custody agreement in place. As a married couple, you share joint-legal custody of the children. That does not change simply because she has decided to leave you.
What Should You Do If Your Wife Leaves with the Children?
- Protecting Your Rights as a Father – you have specific rights as a father and you need to protect them immediately if your wife leaves with the children. If you simply allow this to happen without any recourse, you may actually lose your rights when the divorce and custody case go in front of a judge. To protect your rights, immediately contact a Family Law attorney specializing in divorce and custody cases. The most important thing to do is to ask quickly – if you take weeks or months to act, the court will view it as if you don’t really care that much and it makes it look like you are just ‘going through the motions.’ Act fast, and demand that your children be returned to your care or that you are given equal parenting time with them. Nothing destroys a case better than not acting soon enough, especially if a parent takes the children out of state.
- Get an Agreement in Place – your attorney should contact your wife’s attorney immediately to begin working on an agreement. If you just show up and take the children, it could turn into a legal mess for you, so be patient and leave it to the attorneys. At the very least, the contact is documented so the courts will know you simply did not allow this to happen and that you are very interested in remaining in your children’s lives. Make the agreement reasonable and the chances that you will find common ground are higher than if you make a demand that seems too off-balanced in your favor. Ask for 50/50 parenting time and negotiate from there.
- Create Visitation Schedule and Stick to It – the time you spend with your children will be scrutinized heavily during the divorce process. If you plan to fight for custody, make sure you are still involved in all parenting decisions for your children. You also need to make sure when the children are with you, you are there for them. Do not just pick them up and put them under the care of sitter, family member, or friend. Be there as their father and spend quality time with them. This will matter when the case goes in front of a judge. In addition, do not miss any scheduled visits. If you have agreed to a schedule, stick to it so missed times cannot be used against you during the custody hearing. Be on time, be engaged with your children, and unless you are taking pictures or videos of the children having fun with you, keep your phone in your pocket.
Father’s Rights during and after Divorce
As a father, you have certain rights during the divorce process. Unless there is a reason preventing you from being involved in their life, such as abuse or a substance abuse problem, your wife cannot prevent you from exercising these rights. Some of these rights are:
- Continued relationships with the children – you cannot be kept from your children, period. If your wife is not allowing you to visit or call the children, this needs to be addressed immediately. You also have every right to attend events and activities, such as sports games, plays, graduations, etc. Hopefully, she works with you to ensure you are still very much a part of the children’s lives but if she is blatantly preventing it, you need to make your attorney aware of it ASAP and handle it legally by filing a motion with the court.
- Preventing adoption – when an ex-spouse remarries, she may want her new husband to adopt the children. As the paternal parent, you have every right to prevent this from happening. Of course, being active in their lives makes your case all that much stronger if it were to go to court. No judge would allow this to happen if the father is meeting his obligations and sticking to his custody or visitation agreement.
- Provide financial support – to protect your ongoing rights, you must provide financial support to the children. It may seem a bit out of the ordinary, but consider having a child support agreement put in place immediately if you agree to have the children live with your wife. This is documented proof that you are taking care of your financial obligations to your children. Staying current with these payments ensures that legally, your rights will remain in place. And most importantly – save every receipt, check, or other proof of money you give to her – if you give her cash, the court will act as though it never happened because there is no proof.
- Share joint custody – unless the courts have decided that you cannot have custody, you are generally entitled to share custody with your wife during divorce. She cannot force you to give up joint-custody unless you willingly do so.
- Make parenting decisions – as their father, you have every right to remain active in all parenting decisions. This means you can remain active in schooling, religion, health care, etc. If there are disagreements, you will have to sit down with your wife and come to an agreement. This also serves to show the court that you two are capable of working together and doing what is best for the children. Make sure you show up for doctors appointments, PTA meetings at school, and sports activities. Also, make sure the children complete their homework and document everything you do in a daily journal (short bullet points are perfectly fine).
Preventing Problems with Your Children’s Mother during Divorce
Once you and your soon-to-be ex have come to a custody agreement during divorce, it will benefit both of you to avoid conflict when it comes to the children. Of course, there are bound to be some small disagreements, just as there probably were during the marriage. But serious conflict is something you must avoid.
- Respect each other’s plans – planning ahead, especially when trips or special events are concerned, will help alleviate any problems. If there is going to be any type of a change to normal pickups or schedules, make sure it is discusses well in advance. Keep the lines of communication open to ensure you avoid unnecessary problems.
- Set boundaries – it is natural for both you and your ex to miss the children when they are not with you. However, you need to respect the time of the other parent. The two of you should set boundaries upfront in terms of how often you can call or text the children, save emergencies, when the children are in each other’s care. Obviously, the kids may want to share something with their mother or father when they are with the other parent, which should be allowed. However, when the children are not in your care, neither parent should constantly call or text the children to intrude on that parent’s time. Schedule an evening phone call or text and stick to the agreement.
- Stay consistent – consistency develops habits and habits breed comfort. If you show up when you are supposed to, even in bad divorces, many of the problems will start to dissipate. Do not give her an excuse to get upset or cause you problems because you were unable to stick to the schedule.
- Concise communication – nobody expects you to be “buddy-buddy” with your ex. However, you need to communicate to ensure everything regarding the children goes smoothly. If you cannot or do not want to directly talk to her, consider using one of the many online services that allows you to create schedules and leave each other messages. Keep in mind, though, words can be perceived in a variety of ways, especially when emotions are involved. Try to keep your messages concise and on point to avoid your words from being misconstrued and starting an unnecessary argument.
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Last night my husband provoked me and we got into an argument. He stadting using obscience language towards me infront of our 6 year old son who became traumatised after. He hit me in my face and kept wringing up my nose till it bled. He had a lighter which he was attempting to burn me with. Similar incidents like this have happened in the past years. I feared for my situation and contacted the police. I wanted to leave then and there but the police said I could not leave with my son as my husband was not giving consent. So I remained. Please urgently help me in this situation . I am at a stage where I am ready to leave with my child and my belongings.
I have been married for 17yrs me and wife have two girls ages 12 & 14 she has OD 6 times and has a opoiad problem Thats out of control she goes an buys pills from whum ever has them I dont want my kids around her cause she can’t possibly take care of them she has no ID or any documents Thats legal how can I get my kids back from her also she on probation foe shoplifting to make my point she took off with my kids this morning and want bring them back I need help
I can tell you with absolute certainty that none of these things work against a woman who has reached a level of angst so great that she will run off with the children. I am dealing with this situation right now.
I have an attorney and it makes no difference. My wife was homeless when she snatched our daughter while staying in a friend’s basement. I went to the police and they said I had to go to family court. I went to family court for emergency custody and they said that I had to prove abuse. I went to child protection and explained my case and was told that I had been mislead at family court. I tried four times to get an order of protection on behalf of my daughter because of my wife’s indigent status and was rejected all 4 times by the commissioner. So 3 months go by with me not seeing my kid and my lawyer is basically useless yet I’m doling out thousands for god knows what. This is in Baltimore City. Meanwhile I still have our son and I am paying for a full-time nanny.
No matter the situation or the financial status of men, we will always be pariahs when it comes to family. It is rare for father to win his children in court even under the most awful of situations with the mother. I have been stonewalled at every turn and none of what was stated in this article worked because western culture has inculcated women with this attitude that they are better suited when it comes to children and the courts, the media and society rewards them for their abhorrent behavior.
I am still fighting for my children but with every visit that I make to the courthouse, clerks, whom all are women, give me attitude and a hard time as soon as I tell them why I am there. That’s the truth for men who dare to step into issue. No matter how good a man you are, or how good a dad you are, or how much money you have, it will never be enough to satisfy eve.
I’m going through this right now, too. My wife left months ago with our daughter, and when I refused to give her everything she wanted in divorce—most importantly sole custody for her and no visitation rights for me—she proceeded to allege child sexual abuse, assault, and spousal rape. I am now under investigation by CID and have a military protection order… meanwhile, I’ve hired an attorney, filed for divorce, and requested a custody order, but it hasn’t made any difference so far. Despite searching, doing everything I know to do to try to find them, and hiring a private investigator, the judge has not granted me my petition for alternative means of service. I’ve had to face down two restraining orders filed by my wife (both denied), a CPS case (closed with an outcome of “Ruled Out”), a commander’s inquiry (closed, unfounded) (I’m an Army Chaplain), ordered treatment through FAP to basically learn how to not be a bad man, and now am dealing with a criminal investigation based on yet new allegations from my wife! I’ve spent over $10,000 so far with nothing to show for it except that I haven’t abused my family—but there are absolutely no consequences for my wife… I don’t know what else to do except maybe call David Rucki.
I am not divorced yet, I hope we never go through that, but my wife does not let me see or talk to my daughter while I’m working out of town, we are not separated either I go home every weekend and that’s the only chance I get to see my daughter. She has me blocked from her own cellphone and my 10 yr old daughter. Can someone please help me or guide me so that peacefully I can have my wife NOT do this anymore?
My mother has finally decided to divorce my father after 28 years of marriage. In the marriage there was domestic abuse and restraining orders in place on and off towards my father. Since my mother asked for the divorce he has been making comments and some threats of burning down the house if she gets the house. Due to this my mother wants to move out of the house with my 13 year old brother, she doesn’t feel safe living with him in the same house. With the current hostile living environment and abuse history would it impact the the divorce process if she were to move out with my brother?
Hi
I have a friend who’s divorced
The wife took the house and the kids
The husband cant have no contact with the kids only by letter he smoke lots of pot
What
Does it mean
My father-inlaw and I had a very bad verbal argument on how i decided to parent my son at a family vacation that my wife and I paid for. In this altercation my parents and friends were imbarrased to say the least. I told my wife what happened and that the other people present could give her a very accurate account of the even but my spineless wife won’t stand up to her father and has sided with him. I’m afraid to let my children go to their grandparents house because my father-inlaw won’t respect my wishes when raising my son. I’m a vet and live in NY around all my wife’s family and friends and have no support system in ny and if we got divorced my wife would have everyone to help her and nobody to help me and can’t afford to drive back and forth from NC all the time to visit and still be able to care for my child financially what do I do?
Hi can you help me my son wife left him and there 4 children in January said she did not what him or the children that she was having an affair since November said she want her job and fella told my son that he could keep the children and family home know 10 months after took the 2 small children the weekend and wont give them back what can my son do to get them back please
Just start with a missing complaint with police…. That should be enough to drive the rat out of its hiding.
Hi, two days ago my cousin who is also my neighbor was strangled by his wife after he came home drunk. Her reasoning for strangling him to the point that he passed out was because she was jealous that he got a ride from a female friend. My cousin has never cheated nor is he the type to cheat, and he would never lay a hand on her so I cannot understand her actions. My family did not call the police which I believe was not smart, but it was because we are too afraid of her and she is a very toxic and manipulative woman. I still would like to do something like report this to the police but I doubt they can do anything at the moment. After the incident, she took the kids and left and went to the beach in order to avoid us. I don’t know what to do, I am extremely afraid that she will hurt my cousin again and even kill him. She is a very mentally unstable woman as she has depression and has been self-harming. She is a liar, manipulative, and gaslights my cousin and uses their child as leverage. The day after the near death experience for my cousin, she was calling him non-stop sounding very suicidal and drunk. She also sent him pictures of her cutting and saying that it was all his fault and that he deserved to be strangled. When we asked her through messages what she would’ve done if she had killed him she said she would take responsibility and go to jail, but she had no remorse in her words. Now, she texts my cousin’s male friends and says he’s weak and a sissy for acting how he is. I don’t know what my family should do, we don’t want her to win custody of the children because she is a terrible influence and we are afraid she will get away with her actions because she tends to blackmail my cousin and often plays the victim. This isn’t the first time something terrible has happened between them but this is the first time she tried to kill him.
My mentally sick wife decided to illegally retain our 2-year old daughter outside the United States without my consent. She has ceased all communication. I don’t know if my daughter is dead or alive. It’s sad that the authorities don’t arrest these mothers immediately. Instead, fathers have to pay thousands of dollars in attorney fees in an effort to retrieve their child without guarantees of getting the child back. It’s been 10 months since my daughter’s abduction and I have spend over $40,000 in attorney fees and my daughter still has not been returned to her father in the United States. The Family Justice System is a complete failure.
These situations are tragic when they occur. Even if a country is a partner in the Hague Convention (the treaty between the US and other countries), many other countries still will not employ the resources necessary to work with the FBI to bring the parent to justice and return the child home.
Best of luck, it sounds like you are doing all you can, but always look for other help and speak with the FBI about what resources they may be able to employ on your behalf as well.
I agree with you, I wish I never got married.
Hi.
Im married for 3.5 years and all those years my Wife abused me.
Now when she attacked me in front of my 15mnth old i had no choice but leave.Came back after 6 days see might she cool down but now she doesnt let me close to my son neither let the kid come close to me.She turning him away even whit force againts our son will….what can i do to stop it.
The only thing you can is to file in court and get your story told. You need proof, evidence, to show that she has been abusive and that she is a danger around the child.
If this happens again, you have no choice but to immediately call 911 and tell them what she is doing and that she has a history of this type of abuse.
you need to file a divorce, and an emergency order of protection to keep her away from you and your child. you cannot wait – people like her will continue this behavior and then, one day, she will lie to the police and you will be out in the street and she will be the parent with custody and control of your child.
Call an experienced divorce attorney and find out how your father’s rights can be saved before something bad happens!
My wife has took my kids and left when I was at work and I haven’t been able to see them for 4 months now and because of the current state of the health pandemic, I cannot see a judge for 3 more months after my original date was cancelled at the start of the pandemic, last month. Its irreparably damaging to my relationship with them, why is there no laws to stop this. She has a violent history and 2 seperate occasions attacked me in ways that were very nearly fatal, and I nearly bled to death trying to drive myself to the hospital. But because I wanted my kids to have a mother I forgave what I shouldn’t have. When she left she made false accusations to the police that I was a abusive husband, and it’s 100% lies, yet without any evidence other than her saying that it happened, my claims are not taken seriously and looked at as some sort of method of revenge. What a twisted evil person she is and without remorse, and very dangerously unpredictable and unstable. And I am not looked at as the one that is horrible as she premeditatedly, set this in motion.
You men always cry victim and try to pretend you didn’t see her leaving, coming. Stop being lovers of yourselves and money and maybe you’ll have someone to grow old&die with! For a Good woman to do that, You have zeros issues you wont admit to. Us women take a hell of a lot BEFORE we ever say anything. By the time we do ,we give a few more chances before we put ourselves first as You shouldve! By then our youth is gone and we feel worthless and lack the energy to entertain another relationship. And if we do, it takes much more effort for the next person. This marriage game is sad. When the head of the home is egotistical, self,centered,money driven,lacks support of his spouses goals, lack empathy, lacks intimacy yet wants sex, lacks understanding, cant respectfully communicate, has anger issues, past hurt he hasn’t fully gotten over, did being attracted to his wife/ making her feel that way,lacks quality time,leaves most responsibilities on his spouse,yet will call out whats wrong or not done,doesnt make decisions or great ones, alwats blaming his wife, abusive in any way, cheating, pornography, putting the kids in on adult issues, doesnt help out with her duties at times, doesn’t just do nice things and go the extra mile for no reason and most of all Not growing together!
Geez talking about accountability, Who’s playing the victim now. Sounds like you need to be accountable for your own bad decisions in your own taste in men just because you had problems in your family that had to ultimately begin with your choice doesn’t mean the rest of us men aren’t slighted by a system that is stacked against us for women to always win. If we get here punched things thrown at flat scratch stabbed whatever know why never takes it seriously because were men so I guess we’re just supposed to be punching bags but this is a family law forum about fathers we love their kids regardless of the relationship with the mother and if a man is a good father and works hard and has a little bit a time on the left after working all day you should have the right to not feel like at any given moment the system will let his mistake pick up and walk off with his kids. . With the only hopes being that within a few months we might be able to get a judge to see through the bullshit and allow us to see our kids and I can tell by the way you said you man you are a biased person from the jump whether you are biased due to a personal experience or biased to an experienced circumstances either way go to the woman’s right section of this forum get off the men’s rights. I kind of see why your husband doesn’t like to spend time with you.
I see your point here! There are absolutely Great Men, FATHERS AND HUSBANDS!!
I agree with your point-the choice of person you choose to have a relationship with will decide the fate of that relationship! You hit me right in the gut with that one! So, I will use that moving forward from the relationship “BAD CHOICE” I made to help me grow and move forward in positive way. My goal with my next relationship will focus on me being better and able to attract and be with someone that is great for me!
I agree whole heartedly. I’m also a woman
For good reason. Statistics are on the side of mothers. Rare are the fathers that are as involved and caring.
Wow! Your message is on point!! You told the EXACT TRUTH about men. I am not one to male bash-if a man is a man and doing good by being an all around care-taker, I give them credit. But, like you said, she did not do it for nothing. You explained my situation exactly! Blame Game, chasing false hopes and dreams with no outcome, money and jobs inconsistent, wants food on the table, lack luster in the bedroom, porno, putting kids in adult issues, doesn’t plan any romantic trip, and this is who I gave so many years of my life. Well, I am separated, crying, hurting, in pain, scared but I am going moving forward one inch at a time with an ounce of faith! Thank you for posting that message, I needed to hear it raw and straight from someone knowing reality for what it is!
You sound exactly like my soon to be ex wife. Is that you brianne? Lol
You ladies always complain of lacklusture inbed… Why does a man have to satisfy himself of porn on videos than spend a lovely time with his own wife? It’s because most women make it feel that their husband owes them one for letting them sleep a night… Don’t think yourselves to be better than an escort if you are trying to incentivise even love making… There a balance is required when husband really is tired of showing dominance … Lady must do too to show that he is really something for her in her life too
Liberal trash
You are projecting & generalizing all men. You are wrong for this.
Amen.
After 31 years my wife took my 16-year-old twin children and left. She is mad because she believes I am in sensitive to her needs and I don’t take her seriously or give her the respect she deserves. She told me that this has been going on for the majority of our marriage and that rather than addressing it and being made to feel like her opinion didn’t count she just put up with it until now. I begged her to come home and promised I would change my behavior but she refuses to allow me contact with my children. She has told them that I was dangerous and then I should be feared because of the thoughts and and unwillingness to behave The way she thinks I should. I have tried to convince her that all my behavior that was undesirable to her was an intention of all and that I would like to just have the chance to prove her wrong and let her know that I am willing, always, to try and change for the better. She tells me that she will come back when I have changed but she refuses to bear witness to any of my change and that God will just have to tell her in her heart when I have changed. I’ve asked her how long I have to prove to her that I’ve changed and how long she thinks it will take to trust me and she tells me that it could very well be years. I can understand days weeks and maybe even a month but my children will be grown adults possibly with children of their own by then. I just didn’t know I was hurting her so badly or even at all and I’m willing to change but do you think that I would honestly strive to be the person she wants me to be for years only to find out that it will never be good enough makes me feel hopeless. I really don’t know what to do. She’s a good woman and I love her but I fear she may unintentionally Be poisoning my children against me. I have five older children tell me I am the best father they could have ever hoped for and thank me for being the kind of father their friends wished they had. I don’t know what to do.
Hey Roland,
Straight up, why do you think you need to change the way you are? All women try to change husbands. Just tell em no. I got to this site cuz my wife of 17 years thinks she’s just going to move out with our 9 year old son because if she don’t supposedly immigration will take her resident visa (we have been in Mexico for 16 years waiting for approval for her).
I get she wants to move back, but we’re in the middle of a pandemic, she wants to move from a 3 bedroom house with a front and back yard to a freaken converted garage for another 200$
She’s crazy. I told her we ain’t ready to go yet, and she says too bad and that I’m invited!!
Dude, I know its a shock because you are used to having your girl there all the time, I am too. I’m done questioning myself. Who the hell says you gotta change man?
Yes, she IS poisoning their minds. How else can she justify to them what she did?
My issue? If I make my no a no, I have to follow thru. She’ll be arrested. I don’t want that for her or my son.
Alternative? Sleep on a garage floor for an ungrateful nag of a wife and start over with nothing.
I wish someone would’ve told me how evil women can be. You all know who you are. Shame on you, using your kids as leverage because you got nothing else to use to get your way. Unbelievable.
My sons wife always threatens to leave with the girls and he doesn’t know his rights. Also she left once for three days while he was at work and wouldn’t tell him where the children were.
Thanks for the article. As a father, you have rights over your children. You can and must restore those rights with the help of your family law attorney.
What if you can’t afford an attorney at the immediate time that she leaves do to it put you in a financial bind she was only one working at the time I had lost my job recently just started back to work thought everything was going good and then she just didn’t come home for three nights or answer the phone won’t tell me where my kids are I don’t know what to do I’m going crazy without seeing my kids
Hi my wife and I are 7years married she just took of with my 4 years old dogter without me knowing I was the sole provider in the house from birth ,she tooked her and on the road and hiked ,she don’t want me to see my dogter what can I do