What happens when both parents want custody of their child in divorce? If they cannot come to a mutual agreement of shared custody, the final decision will end up in the judge’s hands. Realize, if you really want to win, every aspect of your child’s life must be given a priority. To give you a better idea of what you will need to do to win your case, you can start here:
- Documenting Time with Children – this may seem a bit silly, but start taking pictures when you are spending time with your children. Nothing will tell the story more than a lot of pictures of you and your children together. From a family dinner to doing homework to a day at the park, capture them all.
- Education Comes First – if you are not already taking an active role in your child’s education, you better start now. And, this is about more than just doing homework with them after school. You need to introduce yourself to the children’s teachers and keep an open line of communication with them. You want the teachers to be able to give an honest and very positive evaluation of you if asked by the court.
- Take Interest in Social Activities – is your child spending hours staring at the TV or playing video games or is he or she active in after school activities and sports? Take the time to find out what interests your children, other than video games, and keep them active. This is about more than getting them off the sofa because it shows an active interest in their social development and overall health.
- Continue to be a Good Parent – are you more interested in being your child’s parent or being his or her friend? Unfortunately, for many parents going through divorce, it is the latter. The rules cannot go out the window in the middle of a divorce because it will weaken your position with the courts. Even more so, it will ultimately negatively affect you and the relationship you have with your children.
- Appearances – don’t give your ex any ammunition to use against you in court. Look at your “life” and the things your ex or other people are or could say negative things about in court. Do you go out too much? Do you drink too much? Are you considered openly promiscuous? You also need to avoid confrontations and being difficult with your ex.
- Communication with Ex-Spouse – things need to be kept civil, especially around and about the children. For instance, if you want to do something for the children, if you want to attend parent/teacher meetings, or want to see the children’s school records, and are told no, make a formal request in writing to document his or her refusal of cooperation. Do your part to keep the peace and leave being difficult and uncooperative up to your ex.
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I wanted to give you an update. $250,000 dollars and three years of litigation later, after taking your advice, we were able to get the judge to court order a social investigator and I am ecstatic to say, the judge found in the fathers favor and gave him primary custodial care, and sole parental decision making. The father remains in the military, now stationed in TX with his daughter and the mother has been ordered to pay minimal child support. They are both very happy. Thank you for your advice. We would like to know if you are familiar and could recommend any financial resources to help with the massive debt that has been incurred to keep this heard in the judicial system and to foot the cost of the court appointed psychologist. The father has a deep financial burden that affects his livelihood. Thanks again.
I don’t think what you said about taking pictures of the time you spend with your children is silly. One its good for your own personal memories and like you pointed out it can show that you are a good parent. Having pictures could really help if you ever get investigated for child custody.
Lesa is a 3.9 year old female whose mother, CJ, is suspected to have Factitious Disorder (Munchausen by Proxy,(MBP). Since approximately the age of 3 months old, her life has been completely focused on the falsely constructed world of her various ‘illnesses’ and delays due to these illnesses. Dr’s who have been conditioned by blind faith in what they are ‘told’ by her mother, rather than requiring the previous medical records prior to making a ‘diagnosis’ based on what the mother ‘states’. She has been ruthless in her quest to garner emotional satisfaction from the ailments of Lesa. Lesa’s mother has exaggerated ‘symptoms’, made up health histories, given vague or inconsistent symptoms, engaged in extensive doctor hopping, seeking treatments from many different doctors and hospitals when she is not hearing what she wants to hear – that the child is not normal and developing normally. She has shown reluctance to allow health professionals to talk to family or to other health care providers or to provide health care records from other providers to substantiate what she is telling doctors. She is dismissive and has argued with health care providers and refused to go back when not hearing what she wants to hear. She is dismissive of good news when test results find no significant medical problem(s), and has stated in writing, that she will prove there is something wrong with her daughter. The mother is always eager to have frequent testing and/or risky operations (i.e. having tonsils and adenoids removed, when Drs stated it was not necessary) in an effort to find something wrong. She has a need to feel powerful and in control. She has requested frequent medications for Lesa (i.e inhalers, when Lesa has never been formally tested or diagnosed with asthma; she has convinced a Dr at Shriners that Lesa ‘requires’ a $2000 insurance funded’ custom mobility’ wheelchair to get around in, when other doctors confirm that this wheelchair is not good for Lesa’s muscle laxity, and especially not good for her esteem and sense of healthy self. She forces Lesa to wear AFOs to ‘correct’ her inward toes, although other Pediatricians dispute that these AFOs do nothing for her feet. The mother has ‘inverted’/created ailments such as the need for sleep apnea studies and the use of machines (but only sleep apnea ‘symptoms’ occurred in mothers care and not with others). At a time when Lesa should be learning to use her voice and speak, she ‘forced’ the father of the child to speak to the child using only ‘sign language’, (as she was using sign language to speak with her, believing that she had brain damage from an early diagnosis of RSV and could not hear), as a means of blackmail, stating that if he did not use sign language when Lesa was in his care, she would not consider allowing him to have more shared parenting time. Of course, this did result in language delays and now she is requiring speech therapies for the delays she created.) Lesa was diagnosed with Failure to Thrive in infancy, and on at least two known occasions, the grandmother can attribute this possibility from the lack of nutrition given to the child in feeding formula in the early years. The mother consistently stated the child would not eat more than 4 oz of formula during any single feeding late in infancy/earlier toddler, however when in maternal grandmothers/grandfathers care, Lesa ate voraciously, showing signs of being hungry. The mother recently received her certification for Medical Assisting, claiming she knows the medical field and she appears to be medically knowledgeable or fascinated with medical details and appears to enjoy the attention that the Lesa receives by being ‘sick or disabled’. When the child is not in the mothers care, the child acts and speaks normally, playing like a child of her developmental age, and any ‘symptoms’ that the mother states exist, stop or drastically improve or have never been seen. Many videos and pictures have been taken to support this. Lesa almost projects a mentality now of, “I have to show them how sick I am’ and I’ll get/keep your attention.’ Her mother is always asking her, “are you feeling sick?”, “Tell me where it hurts.” “Do you need your medicine?”, etc…, creating a constant need for Lesa to ‘complain’ about something hurting her, somewhere on her body. Lesa’s medical care decisions must be removed from her mother, in order that Lesa can grow up with a healthy sense of self and self-esteem. It is believed that these labels of ‘delayed’ and disabled and in an obvious ‘wheelchair’ (of cerebral palsy style), are of detriment to Lesa’s positive health. The mother lives in FL and has Primary Custodial Care. The father is in the military stationed in Alaska and has been fighting ferociously in the courts to gain medical decision making and primary custodial care, to no avail. We need your help!!! We have spent upwards of $25000 on attorney fees already and are pretty much busted with no where else to go. We cannot let this little girl down by just giving up. Please help us!
This is a rare, but extreme example of what happens when a mentally ill parent has 100% control over their child’s upbringing and demonstrates the important role that father’s play in a child’s life. Because he is stationed so far away, this makes it even more difficult to defend against. His best bet is to move to Florida as soon as reasonably possible to be near his daughter and to establish regular ongoing visitation and parenting time with her. A judge will normally not remove a child from one parents care and sent that child out of state, especially to a state that is so far away such as Alaska. He needs to either request being re stationed, or he needs to leave his employ and find something else near her – that is probably his only choice at this point. You mention that a lot of things have been going on in the courts already and you have expended a large sum of money. The best advice, if not already done, would be to do 2-things: 1. Get a Child Representative appointed that can investigate on his/her own the allegations you are making and they will make a report to the judge and, in some instances, testify; and 2. Request a psychological evaluation of the mother to the judge. Although Florida does not normally allow these with the frequency that other states do, allegations this serious probably rise to the level needed. The relevant state in Florida for this is: Section 61.13(3)(g) and it states that the mental health of the parents is to be determined and in making custody decisions. Case law allowing for this can also be found at: Pariser v. Pariser 601 So. 2d 291 – Fla. Dist. Court of Appeals, 4th Dist., 1992 . It is important to not give up hope, but moving, getting a child representative involved, and requesting a psychological evaluation is necessary to even have a chance.